Tuesday, November 30, 2010

The Top Tens for Date Night

Tope Ten Food You Should Never Eat on a Date.
1. Taco's. Because all the shit comes oozing out of the end and (excuse me, if I might say so) but it always reminds me of poop.
2. Spaghetti! Omg, don't take a girl out for spaghetti! Can you say awkward....
3. Corn on the cob. I feel like some deranged creature trying to tear the kernels off the cob.
4. Ice cream. Nobody looks attractive licking an ice cream cone.
5. Donuts with the jelly stuff on the inside. Because no matter how you eat the donut, you always in the end look like a slob.
6. Garlic Bread. Hello? Breathe? When you're flirting with your guy and all up in his face about his gorgeous hair and how funny he is, you don't want him to be thinking about force feeding you a gallon of tic-tacs.
7. Pancakes. Because you know you're going to to drown it in a gallon of syrup and he's going to be looking at you all night like, "Holy Fock."
8. Ribs. #1 I'm vegetarian. #2 Have you seen people eat those things. They look like lions. Going in for the kill.
9. Raw onions. Unless you want to rape your date with bad breath than stay away.
10. Chili. Admit it. It makes you fart. Everybody farts. So yes you, miss "i've-never-farted-once-in-my-life" have of course farted. If you're the first child in the family your parents probably even recorded your baby farts. So there. I am Finished.

The Top Ten Things You Shouldn't Do On A Date
1. Don't chew gum. You could like get it stuck in your hair somehow and he would have to shave it all of and people would then start calling you Brittany....Hey it could happen...
2. Don't go to the zoo. You could get eaten by exotic animals.
3. Don't give your date a tic tac. it sort of sends the wrong message.
4. Don't drive in big cities. you don't want to scare your date with your psychotic road rage.
5. Don't get excited and slosh your coffee all over his lap giving him 3rd degree burns.
6. Don't get all pissy cause he took you to Subway instead of the Olive Garden. Money don't grow on trees *COUGHespeciallywithObamaasprezzzCOUGH*
7. Don't Go tree climbing. If your date is fat then you'll feel bad leaving him behind.
8. Don't talk on your cell phone. It's rude.
9. When he picks a movie that you don't like then don't argue. you don't want to be "the bitch who won't let you pick out the damn movie"
10. Don't mutter racial slurs. I think that bothers everybody.

Top Five Things You Should Do On a Date
1. Wear your snuggie. Just to see if he doesn't ditch you half way through. If he remains to stick around and be seen with you for the entire date with you waltzing around the mall in your leapord print snuggie then he's a keeper.
2. If  the date nights at his house then make sure to invite yourself to the fridge without permission and drink the milk straight from the jug. You want to let him know what he's in for when you two get married.
3. Take his cell phone. If he opposes then throw it on the ground and jump on it. There's prone to be a fight and fights always end with a huge dramatic make-out session :3
4. Bring your pet monkey everywhere you go when you're with him. Let him know how the monkey's from Nigeria and the adoption process took 2 years. If he opposes to the monkey being present when you two are making out then sternly tell him it's you and the monkey in one package and if he can't have that then he can't have anything. (p.s For those of you who don't own a monkey then just bring a stuffed monkey along closely resembling a real monkey).
5. Wear a pregnant suit. If he were good he wouldn't be like, "Holy crap you're pregnant! We've only made it to second base and we've been dating for 2 years, so that must meen you've been cheating on me!" no if he were good he'd say, 'I'll father this wortless child you filthy spawn of satan." hey at least he'd help take care of it.
Oh yeah and then after that you can take off the pregnant suit. there will of course be a big fight which will end in a huge make-out session.

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