Thursday, May 19, 2011

Ya. Be Jealous of My Ultra-Fabulous Life

So I pretty much just got off the phone with my fabulous cousin, Savannah, last evening - well more like last morning, it being 11:30pm here when my phone died, and I learned that in September, if all goes well, she might be planning on going to fashion week!! I believe I told her about a fajillion times that I was jealous of her (because honestly, no matter how many advancements are made throughout America, Wisconsin's just not getting any better). Then she tells me right before we hung up that tomorrow (which is today) she's trying out for an intern job for a new emerging designer (the reason why she's heading to fashion week) and I know she's definitely going to get the job because apparently her step dad and the designer rub elbows in business terms. I was almost going to scream, "MUEY JEALOUSO!!" into the mouth piece but then I remembered that it was 30mins until AM and the entire household was sleeping. 
When is something good going to happen to me?!??! I mean maybe they are and I just don't see them. I got recommended into the National Honor Society and for some reason I've been placed into the Gifted and Talented Program in the Department of Science at my high school - like I know what's even inside an atom! Well.. actually I think there are protons and neutrons but I don't even know what they are! Well.. actually I think a proton holds positive energy and a neutron holds negative energy.. But that's beyond my  point!!! What I'm trying to say is that, how come my achievements have rewards that I'll gain in like 1-2 years? Like I wish somebody would ring my doorbell awaiting to grant me life time room and board on a Cruise Ship, that sails the seven seas, free of charge. And my room would be across from Kate Spade, and down the hall would be Alexander McQueen and Jimmy Choo. And the room above mine would be Marc Jacobs and every single morning I'd hear his sassy gay voice praise him while he pampered himself in a mirror exclaiming, "Damn, you look FINE today!" And little autistic children would run across the ship decks in designer clothes, (the girls in  multi colored Marc sweaters and polos with the cute little sequined animal assemblages over the left breast and the guys.. let's just assume they were all bi-curious and were were rocking the same look as the girls) ready for me to mingle with and discover all of their hidden personalities!
And the captain would hold a grand diner every night, (basically Noodles & Co. takeout) and me and Zac Posen would chill together and discuss why we're utterly two of the most wicked people you'll ever meet. And then Vera Wang, eating some sort of Chinese Noodle dish, to my left, will be all like, "What about me?!" and I'll be like, "Oh, Vera, how could I forget about you?" And then Tommy Hilfiger, eating some sort of Sassy Noodle dish, to my right, will be all like, "Uh uh girl, I know you did NOT just disclude me from your wicked people convo with Posen!" And Zac will stand up and do that cool move in the movies where you single handedly flip over the entire table and nobody yells "What the hell?!" but everybody's just sitting there silently staring at you.
And then he'll say, "Back off Hilfiger! I started the convo. And what sort of last name is Hilfiger? I mean when you think of Posen, you think of Posner, as in Mike Posner, so you know I'm automatically cool. But you think of  Hilfiger and you immediately think of some sorry, scrawny, middle school boy sitting on the bleachers alone in a paisley cardigan picking his nose."
And then Tommy will explode.

...... I'm sorry.. That was a little awkward.. I'll just stop.

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